Monthly Archives: May 2013

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Dakota country when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, ‘If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?’

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, ‘Sure, Why not?’

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZOR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.  Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.’

‘That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,’ says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, ‘Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?’

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ‘Okay, why not?’

‘You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government’, says Bud.

‘Wow! That’s correct,’ says the yuppie, ‘but how did you guess that?’

 ‘No guessing required.’ answered the cowboy. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a herd of sheep… … Now give me back my dog.”

Social Media – Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, Commentaries, etc. – have become the modern day equivalent of Karaoke. Everybody has an opinion and now they have the platform to perform it on.

Tom Urich

There is simply no underestimating the role of alcohol in sexual battery, nor spousal abuse, nor tasteless statements and behavior. None. When you tally up the the all-around “cost” of alcohol to include the ‘mornings after’ and the subsequent psychological damages to all involved (ie. family, employers) or in any reactions to what may have occurred under its influence, you have to add spousal and sexual abuse to the already long list of fatal accidents and pickled livers and lost work and failed judgment and children beaten and the rest.

The most important advice to people who want to avoid either being ridiculed, neglected, ignored and abused or being accused of it is to control their drinking.

Alcohol does stupid things, so the flag should go up when the first glass is raised. Now comes complete randomness. Now comes chaos.

This is an explanation, not an excuse.

Unk.

Larry: Ms. Macechelli was dilling his pickle
Jane Whitley: Dilling his pickle?
Larry: Chucking his corn.
Amy Butlin: Chucking his corn?
Larry: Trimming his tree.
Jane Whitley: Trimming his tree?
Larry: Branching his limb.
Amy Butlin: Branching his limb?
Larry: Oh, I can do this all day.

Larry the Cable Guy