Dave Barry Deserves A Raise – Or at Least a Bowl of Kale

Generally you would not have any trouble whatsoever finding somebody that appreciates the humorous writings of the well-known syndicated Pulitzer prize winning Dave Barry.

Whether it’s smashing toilets or pumpkins you’ll find Dave there……………..

Actually, Dave Barry retired in 2005 from the daily grind (like myself – only with money) but he still writes an occasional column for the Miami Herald (A Knight Newspaper – my first employer) and somehow has not skipped a beat as it comes to making a ridiculous point out of the ridiculous.  Dave needs to get a raise in my opinion.  He is going to become my mentor whether he likes it or not.

Dave discusses “trends” that highlighted the year 2013 in a recent column:

“Were there any new trends in 2013? Yes, but they were not good. Kale, for example. Suddenly this year restaurants started putting kale into everything, even though it is an unappetizing form of plant life that until recently was used primarily for insulation. Even goats will not eat it. Goats, when presented with kale, are like, “No thanks, we’ll just chew on used seat cushions.””

Now that was not so snarky, was it?

Why can’t we write or talk or eschew the wondrous laments about our political opponents like that – with an obvious flair for the comedy but still grasping onto the tartar like a piece of dental floss – and not become so aggressive as to produce acid reflux and eventual ulcerations of the eyeballs??  Huh?

But I regress.  This subject wanders into the arena of the EGO and we all know what that means if we don’t agree 110% – somebody is going to get pissed off.

We Can Agree to Disagree Without Losing Any More Hair Jokes

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?”

“It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.”

So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get the lousy haircut?

See? You can be cute and funny and not hurt anybody’s feelings.