Tag Archives: humor

When In The Land of Weird Do As They Do

I Used to Live with a Narcissist

UPDATED 17 May 2015

In some ways, everybody is a narcissist.  A little bit of pride – a little bit of boast – a little bit of bravado.  These people were in Band in the public school system.  They were cheerleaders or majorettes.  They were on the football or basketball team.

There were not, however, on the swim team.**

There is a difference.  A healthy amount of confidence not to be confused with self-worship or idolatry of a greater being or of a tuba or even a greater devotion to nothing. Or not.

I Love Me

I Love Me

WEIRE2

I Think

Sometimes people don’t even realize what they are doing.  They are so wound up that they become insensitive to what is actually going on around them.  They think evil is at work and they become so offensive (in a blindly stupid sort of way) that they begin to produce actual evil themselves.  They have been “hooked” by Satan.  Or Facebook.  Same thing.

Twitter to the Rescue!

Every kid on this city block has two facebook identities.  And one of them is a cop.  The other one has one leg missing (not a military vet but a bassoon player who fell out of the 3rd floor dorm window) and plays Angry Birds at least 3 hours every day.  Twitter Users – on the other hand – are flying across the country to a gig in a small town of sheep-herders and/or riding in a helicopter in Iraq with Lance Armstrong.

There is a big difference.

Tim Dick

Tim Dick

Facebook users get too narrow.  They think they are on a virtual soapbox that a Liberal Mayor from AnyTown Democrat USA proclaimed as Rainbow Required Reading Month has etched into your psyche and sealed it with hummus.  I see a trail of cashew crumbs (ignored by fuzzy cats) leading to a calcified pet drinking fountain next to the refrigerator – and next to that a stack of Sunday inserts dating back to The Hindenberg.  Focus.  Come on, people.

I really don’t care about your opinions because they are so beautifully displayed like a magical desktop publishing program from AOL using technology developed by Xerox in 1977.  Give it up. There are real IT people making real advances in computer wizardry who have to re-certify their skills every 6 months let alone try to get Pagemaker to run on X-Box.  Shut Up!

I'm a freaking Genius

I’m a freaking Genius

You know the ones.  They are smarter than you are because they listen to NPR.  They don’t drink alcohol.  Ever.  They are so broad-minded that they check only Snopes to form the basis of their doctoral dissertation and they have just re-modeled their kitchen to the tune of $16,000 and they don’t  cook but 4 times a year.  Gluten free.

It is a real disorder.  And 99% of you nut cases don't have it!

It is a real disorder. And 99% of you nut cases don’t have it!

Get a Grip on Yourself

If a person decides to engage in a creative writing experiment – a new form of entertainment which I will term “TXT Comedy” for lack of a better acronym (for now) – and it produces reactions like the threats of a SWAT Team coming to your house while you are away on vacation  – it is not because you are stupid, it is because you have placed your mind somewhere the sun does not shine.

Please Remember God Loves You.  Whether you believe in Him or not – that is your freedom of choice and I won’t try to force legislation to make you bake me a Masonic birthday cake with swastikas on it – and enjoy Life and Be Yourself.  Don’t judge others.  And eat a balanced diet of grains that will return your bowel movements to normal and help divert your attention away from me for a bit.

**Apologies to my high school teacher buddy John Wieck (wherever you are) who was not the guy responsible for making so many of my graduating classmates’ homosexual in later life.  I’m okay with that.  Just ask Paco at Grand Coney.

 

The People Around You During the NCAA’s

Those around you are not always who you think they are.  Sometimes they are “cloaked.”

adidas-ncaa
Believe it or not – none of these teams made it to the Elite 8

That person over there is rooting for the same team you are.  Does that alone make them your “Friend?”

 A quick and easy example of a “set” of characters is a description of the thieves in the 2001 re-make of Ocean’s Eleven.  Carl Reiner’s character, Saul Bloom, is the Boesky1. That’s Ivan Boesky, a hot-shot wall-street trader who got caught committing securities fraud. He’s supposed to be a wealthy man to foot the bill who also has some inside information.  Let’s call him the athletic director.

The Jim Brown1 represents a confrontation between Bernie Mac’s character (Frank Catton, the inside man) and Matt Damon (Linus Caldwell) that is staged to distract. It is after a famous football (american) player who later went on to play leg-breaking thugs in a bunch movies. (Don’t mess with me or you’re in for it.)  Let’s call him the power forward.

The Miss Daisy1 refers to the SWAT van, their “getaway” vehicle. It comes from the movie,
Driving Miss Daisy.  There is a mascot.

The two Jethros1 are “hillbilly gear-head types” to take care of Miss Daisy. They are Casey Affleck and Scott Caan (Virgil and Turk Malloy)  The guards.

The Leon Spinks1 is the disruption of the boxing match, after Leon Spinks’ famous surprise upset victory over Mohammed Ali.  The strong center.

And the Ella Fitzgerald1 is the tape they make and play in a loop in order to get into the vault. This is based on a Memorex commercial from the 70’s in which a recording of Ella’s voice breaks a glass and the quesiton is asked, “Is it live or is it Memorex?”  This is a player off the bench that wins the game on the last second shot.

Now what has that got to do with college basketball?

Everybody (OK – not 100% but pretty high) has a team they want to see win in the current NCAA Men’s basketball Tournament.  They wear school colors and distribute insults and generally get down to serious rivalry mode.  Of those – 99.999% are not even basketball players.  Another 72% are not alumni nor did they attend the school they root for.  These people around you are simply like-minded in one respect – they are caught up in an event and like you – make a lot more out of it than it deserves.  It is simply an excuse to get together and enjoy oneself.    The bar owner thanks you.

Then we are all going back home and commence to argue politics with the spouse or housemate?  Is that any different?  Once again – the members of the “team” are people you don’t really know and you allow yourself to get all worked up over issues you differ on.  Better to remain silent………….etc.

What can I say?  How are we going to get a point across?

1Read more: https://thetfp.com/tfp/tilted-entertainment/46348-slang-terms-oceans-eleven.html#ixzz2x7CAcNpA

Dave Barry Deserves A Raise – Or at Least a Bowl of Kale

Generally you would not have any trouble whatsoever finding somebody that appreciates the humorous writings of the well-known syndicated Pulitzer prize winning Dave Barry.

Dave Barry dave-barry-website
Whether it’s smashing toilets or pumpkins you’ll find Dave there……………..
Actually, Dave Barry retired in 2005 from the daily grind (like myself – only with money) but he still writes an occasional column for the Miami Herald (A Knight Newspaper – my first employer) and somehow has not skipped a beat as it comes to making a ridiculous point out of the ridiculous.  Dave needs to get a raise in my opinion.  He is going to become my mentor whether he likes it or not.

Dave discusses “trends” that highlighted the year 2013 in a recent column:

“Were there any new trends in 2013? Yes, but they were not good. Kale, for example. Suddenly this year restaurants started putting kale into everything, even though it is an unappetizing form of plant life that until recently was used primarily for insulation. Even goats will not eat it. Goats, when presented with kale, are like, “No thanks, we’ll just chew on used seat cushions.””
Now that was not so snarky, was it?
Why can’t we write or talk or eschew the wondrous laments about our political opponents like that – with an obvious flair for the comedy but still grasping onto the tartar like a piece of dental floss – and not become so aggressive as to produce acid reflux and eventual ulcerations of the eyeballs??  Huh?
But I regress.  This subject wanders into the arena of the EGO and we all know what that means if we don’t agree 110% – somebody is going to get pissed off.

We Can Agree to Disagree Without Losing Any More Hair Jokes

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?”

“It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.”

So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get the lousy haircut?

See? You can be cute and funny and not hurt anybody’s feelings.

Why is it that human beings are the only ones who find humor or some form of entertainment in the back-handed derision of another?

Thomas E. Urich

Grand Rapids